Always a Winner

I haven't blogged in a couple of days because all my special blogging pictures are on this computer and this computer only. The past couple of days have been mildly stressful/ridiculous...I've recently started taking Adipex and drinking a lot more Crystal Lite. When I get back to school I want to be as good as ever, for one particular reason, my fiance. Mentioning him in thought or I guess typing made me think of what to bullet point today:

How To Always Win An Argument:

• Never back down...instinct always tells me "Lauren you better just let this slide" but my bitchiness gets the better of me and I normally don't leave someone alone until I have a clear understanding as to what the fuck is going on.
• Ask Questions...if you are as slow or forgetful as I am and some moron pulls on of those "you know why I'm mad at you" cards, ask why, obviously to avoid a confrontation and skip to the fixer upper part you would amit what you did.
• Have them relay the story to you...likely they are telling it from their point of view and its probably totally wrong, in certain cases always wrong (Ahem) a good example I heard of recently is Kara's dad said something to the "I want you to get a job so you can cover your basic expenses" and she told her mom "Dad wants to kick me out of the house"
• Take low blows...who cares about common courtesy, leave it at the door! Let your lips run wild for a little bit. (This is a guerrilla tactic that always works because people are surprised that you would stop to that level and it makes them instantly feel superior to you.) If they're crazy tell them they are mentally deranged...if they have bad posture tell them they look like Quasimodo!
• Be Insensitive...Even if deep down you know what you are saying/doing is wrong, personally I think it is a weakness to be a doormat...don't you? Whatever they say just take it in silence
• Agree With Them...When they tell you that you are a bitch, cheat, liar, manipulator, or horrible person, just agree with them...the argument is likely to end faster and I think it annoys them that you are already aware of this breaking news. (If you are lucky you can admit this before they start to say it)
• Always worry about the little ones...they are the meanest of all they store all your information for ammo!!!

I hope no one is scared :(

McFatty

I've definitely succumbed to this blogging crap. I can just type and type about stuff or stuff that's bothering me! So today I'm going to go on a short tangent...I just don't understand why white woman in particular are expected to be super ultra skinny why cant it be "thick in the hips slim in the waist" or "cute face, slim waist with a big behind." The above picture is of Marilyn Monroe duh but by today's standards wouldn't she be considered fat? Yet, we still hail Marilyn. Lately I'm feeling unhappy...but due to my instinctive ways to not let something "appear" to hurt my feelings I feel even worse :( sooo today my bullet points will be





What to do when someone calls you fat

• Under all circumstances you hurt yocan not let it appear to your feelings, you must must must shrug it off
• If you are particularly ballsy say something like "well yeah but your face sucks" or "at least I have boobs" (I wouldn't suggest doing this to a friend)
• Suck it in even more, who cares about a lack of oxygen...if you are lucky maybe you'll go to the hospital because you pass out
• Ignore it, don't act like your deaf unless you truly are deaf, but if your deaf, being fat would be the least of your worries honey.
• Slowly shed the weight, if you do it fast, they'll know it's because of them
• Actually I'm rethinking the above bullet point if you are real dedicated to making them feel bad develop an eating disorder who cares if you burn out your esophagus.

Anyways that's my rant about weight or whatever tomorrow or possibly later today will be different this posts makes me look like I have issues...which in a sense I do with certain people (yes I mean YOU!).

D Day

Let's have a recap of yesterday I wrote about blogs and what stuff they should have and crap...I must confess I spent some time on google looking for some pretty pictures (oops)

Normally I wouldn't write about a book signing or let alone go to one. However, considering the people that keep blogs/read blogs I think my experience is share worthy (I could have said exciting)

Today was also interesting because as difficult as I thought it was going to be to keep a blog or whatever, I can't stop thinking about what to write about...at the moment I have two conflicting thoughts, but we'll say 6 to make me sound more philosophical and artsy.

Now that I have some lines of text...So today Kara and I went to Miami to go to a book signing by Dita Von Teese (note the black and white photo). So naturally I am going to write about

What to do Before and During a Book Signing

• Wake up early to groom yourself, there would be nothing worse than stinking up the line and offending a while bunch a woman
• Google Earth the location (Kara told me she maps out areas before she goes) and have a strategic plan as to where you are going

WHY?

1. Who want to wonder around and ask for directions especially in Miami (No hablo español)
2. You won't look lost
3. Your parents will be impressed (in my case, I think if I would have told my mommy I was getting a fetish booked signed she may have been less impressed)

• Wear comfy shoes...some of these people today has on super high high heels (5inches) which was stupid we were standing in gravel and I'm sure those girls would hate to fall and ripe their stockings and mess up their bobby pinned hair.
• Get there incredibly early...Kara and I got their at 1pm and the signing was at 4pm however we were the first in line and this employee woman with some strange accent (Irish) told Dita we had been waiting all day, which I think may have worried her we were crazy people.
• Buy your book ahead of time...I had purchased my book at Borders instead of Books and Books and it was a hassle! I ended up having to buy another book, have a debit card declined, and write a bad check and hold a gross paper bag that made my arms itch.
• Have a simple first name, in line they gave us sticky notes with our names on them so Dita could sign 'For Lauren Love Dita' I guess to make it look like Dita is truly one of my buddies giving me a book...so If you have a difficult name I feel the likely hood of that being misspelled is about an 80% chance of rain.
• Bring a camera, we weren't allowed to take pictures with Dita but we could take "candid" pictures...considering this I was soooo glad I went with Kara she is tall enough to stick her arm up and snap away.
• Smile really big when you are leaving because the whole line is looking at you and you want them to think "They are sooo lucky they got in already I may be out here for hours in the sweltering heat"

I can't think of a title

I feel see tech savvy just knowing I have a blog. I've tried twitter and I found that it was inconvenient and when I want to twitter twat or tweet I just had to much to say. I've been googling blogs for about 5ish minutes to get a general outline of what I am supposed to write on this...because if your reading this your either a stalker (yes that includes you Sasha), bored, or just a weirdo. I'm more into bullet points and maybe Ill blog using a paragraph and some bullet points, it looks much better than a chunky heap of text...plus this way it is more likely that I wont loose my train of thoughts because my fingers are so far behind my brain.

So my bullet points today are going to be what I think a blogs/a blog needs

• a catchy title that makes me sound cooler than I am...or just remotely interesting
• cool pictures that you can't google for that come from places like

1. Urban Outfitters
2. American Apparel
3. Some cool friend you have
4. Other peoples blogs (an expert blogger told me this)

• some areas in italic font...it makes your page look edgy or whatever
• a couple followers...while I'm typing this I have none though :(
• philosophical thoughts maybe your own maybe and likely not
• Pastel colored fonts...this is only because I've blog stalked Kara and I consider her a seasoned veteran.
• Maybe refer to your friends by alias, this will be near impossible for me I can't keep track

Now I go lay...thank God this has spell check